and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
