I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
