i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
