my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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