consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
