oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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