the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
