when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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