What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
