Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I want to fling myself into the sun
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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