At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
