Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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