sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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