Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Randomize
