There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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