Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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