My girlfriend figured out who you are.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
