I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
