So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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