why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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