Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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