Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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