Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
