His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
