I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
