So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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