Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
