I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
