naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Randomize
