Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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