Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
