Kareoke will never be a sober sport
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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