She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
