I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
