wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
