Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
