is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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