You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize