we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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