so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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