Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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