see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
