I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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