he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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