Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
