I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize