I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
