while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
