I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Randomize
