please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
