this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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