My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
