OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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