Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
