I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
