I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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