We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I am naked and annoyed.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
