He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
