I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
