Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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